Jen (00:06.542)
Philly, welcome to the Mumsafe Movement podcast. How are you? Are you? I was gonna, don't you hate that question? Every time I ask it, I'm like, what are they gonna say? Are they just gonna go, yeah, I'm fine? Not really.
Filipa Bellette (00:12.026)
Thank you. I'm very good.
Filipa Bellette (00:22.308)
Now I'm really excited to be here with you and I'm feeling settled now. But prior to that, it was a different story.
Jen (00:27.256)
Good.
Jen (00:30.786)
Okay, all right, I'm sure we may learn about that as we move forward. So let's kick off with your word around how you're showing up today and see what happens in your morning.
Filipa Bellette (00:36.964)
Okay, okay, if it was before like I saw your lovely face, I would have said resentful.
Jen (00:42.818)
Ooh, okay. I want to dig into that. Tell me what, tell me where that came
Filipa Bellette (00:46.278)
Okay.
okay. So it was my first sleep in today for like almost a week and I was just so excited. And then my daughter comes in and she's like, mom, get up. It was about a quarter past eight. So, you know, that's, that's, that's not, it's okay for her to do that. But I was kind of resentful because I'm like, Chris, my husband, well, why doesn't he get up and help with the breakfast and lunch?
And then anyway, so I got up and I like, whatever. And then my youngest slept in and she had a massive meltdown, massive meltdown. She went to school about 45 minutes late and I was the one that took her. And I can see it's all come back to me and we'll probably dig into that because I think that's a big part of burnout and not listening to yourself and like letting things explode. And it usually shows up physically if you don't address
Jen (01:48.244)
Yeah, I think I actually just I did not have that morning like and I thank you for sharing that because so many mornings are like that for me and for many other moms. But I went out for breakfast with a friend and we were actually talking about the fact that there is so much extra load on mom, regardless of what systems and things that you've got set up in your household. So I definitely feel like that is going to come
in this conversation, but I hope that your family is going to let you have this sleep in again tomorrow and just redo the morning. Saturday morning? No? okay. Okay.
Filipa Bellette (02:23.534)
No, I'm, no, no, I've got clients. I'm working with clients tomorrow morning.
That's why it was just like, this is my one day this week. I'm really excited, but I didn't share my needs with Chris. So that's why I'm like, I'm owning it. If I just had the conversation, he would have got up and did the things.
Jen (02:42.122)
And.
Jen (02:46.87)
Yeah, I think there's something in that anyway though, right? Because you would have recognized that he was sleeping in and got up and done the breakfast, whereas you have to share your needs with him so that he gets up and does the breakfast.
Filipa Bellette (03:00.304)
Yes, yes, yes, yes. And I'm feeling that in my heart right now. And I'm like, yes, patriarchy, I am sick of you.
Jen (03:08.716)
Yeah, we're definitely going to go there today. We're definitely going there. Philly, share with me something that you're winning at at the moment. Not sleeping in clearly, but yeah.
Filipa Bellette (03:17.862)
No, well, we just came back from the most beautiful holiday in Fiji, which is just, it was so good. It was so, so fun. It was an adventure, experienced the culture, really connected with kids and my husband. So that was so good. And I feel like maybe that's, that has been, I've come back to reality and, you know, catching up with work and business. And so my, my sleep it was important today.
Jen (03:22.968)
How was that?
Jen (03:44.78)
Yeah, it's hard to get back to reality after that. the, I don't know about you, but it takes me about a week to stop thinking about work. And then once I stop thinking about it, I could probably go for like four months without thinking about it. But then there's that, whether it's an extra week or two weeks or whatever it is, that easing back in can take quite a lot of effort and a while, I
Filipa Bellette (03:47.738)
Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (04:06.246)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it was a big win because I turned 40 this year and I really wanted to just go overseas and have a magical time, which we did.
Jen (04:15.274)
Amazing, good. And the last question of the three is something that you're working on at the moment.
Filipa Bellette (04:22.118)
Ooh, okay. From a business perspective, we are working behind the scenes for an upcoming launch to our main signature program, Ending Body Burnout Method. So that's kind of like just this last couple of days, I've been thinking about that and getting really excited about some free events and stuff that we're putting on.
Jen (04:40.91)
Amazing and that's in like 30 something days isn't it? I looked on your website and it's like the countdown said 35 days or 31 days or...
Filipa Bellette (04:47.526)
hope it's not that soon. think Chris, thank you for that. I think we might need to check the countdown. It's mid September, mid September. that, okay.
Jen (04:52.142)
Yeah. What date is it supposed to be? Or maybe it was like 40 something then I'm going to go have a look. I'm going to go have a look now to see.
Filipa Bellette (05:03.301)
that is so funny.
Jen (05:07.904)
I looked at it and I was like, and it actually made me go, I need to get my countdown up because it's, I think we're launching at a kind of similar time and now I can't find it. Where was I looking? it was on the about section maybe.
Filipa Bellette (05:19.312)
Mutevainian method, slash method.
Jen (05:21.582)
it is. okay. Give me two secs. I'm gonna have a look for you. And you got a little pup in the background. can hear that's all right. That is okay. 38 days. 38.
Filipa Bellette (05:27.864)
yeah, sorry about that. I think I...
Okay, that may need a little bit updating, but maybe that is correct. So I will double check on that one. I have a feeling we need to add like maybe a week or two to that.
Jen (05:41.23)
Yeah, fair enough. enough. All right, to start moving us along a little bit, share with us a little bit about your journey to what you do today.
Filipa Bellette (05:53.04)
Yeah. So I'm a functional medicine practitioner, nutritionist, coach and trauma therapist. And it was all born from my own journey to recover from three pretty big, intensive body burnout, what I call episodes that were chronic. the first one, look, it started way back as I was a teen. There were definitely early signs that my body was doing some weird things.
had PCOS, so a lot of hormone issues, but developed vassal vagal episodes where basically if my body was under stress, I would faint, fit and pee myself as a teenager, which was really embarrassing. But that was the first sign that my nervous system was really dysregulated and that I had a lot of high stress stuff happening inside my body and some patterns that were feeding that like perfectionism, overdoing, overachieving.
and then had infertility issues. And again, back then I'm just like, this is annoying. But you know, there's nothing really wrong with me because I was still able to function in life after I had my first baby, it was quite a traumatic birth. So it was a three day labor, lots of interventions to try and get the baby out. And Poppy was born, there was a lot of tearing, this will all connect to like any of your trainers who have done your mom safe certifications.
Lot of trauma to my bowels, my bladder, vagina, and literally I stopped having any sensation to be able to urinate. So my bladder would fill up and I was in hospital and they actually put the catheter in and it was like three or five liters of urine that came out of my bladder. And the nurses, midwives were just like so shocked. They're like, my gosh, even that alone would have caused so much trauma to your bladder.
So all sensation was deadened and I literally just lived with a catheter to urinate for about four months post my baby's birth. And that also meant I was on heaps of antibiotics to prevent UTIs. So Poppy, my baby, also had a lot of colic. I'm pretty sure she was getting all the antibiotics through her system, very, very upset stomach, vomiting all the time. She basically cried all the time, even when I was trying to breastfeed, unless she
Filipa Bellette (08:12.406)
exhausted herself to sleep. And I was in and out of hospital too with different complications, chronic constipation. And anyway, month by month, things just got worse. Like I looked at other mums that were, and I know that you see like all types of mums. So it isn't the narrative. Well, it is the narrative that we think that mums should just bounce back.
It's like, you know, and I was seeing this with other friends and like, and family members, they have their kids and month by month they're getting better. But I actually got worse until Poppy was one. And I literally felt like an 80 year old. I was in chronic pain, hormone issues, gut issues, anxiety, depression, chemical sensitivities, lots of food sensitivities. And then I thought.
I went to my GP during this time as well and basically all my bloods came back fine. The GP just said, I think this is part of just being a mum or you know, maybe you're stressed. So it's all good, you're fine. And I was a bit lost. And then I read a book called Deep Nutrition When Poppy Turned One and all of a sudden I'm like, my gosh, I can heal my body with eating like healthy foods.
So back then I was just eating the standard Australian diet, like white bread, muesli, wheat beaks, lots of pasta, rice, all that sort of stuff. I didn't think I had a terrible diet, but I definitely wasn't nourishing my body with good nutrients and antioxidants. So that was my first journey into healing my body. very, my perfectionism patterns were still part of my healing journey. So I was like a hundred percent like fermenting foods, eating animal organs.
sprouting, even accessed raw milk or that sort of stuff. Started feeling better and then we fell pregnant with baby number two. And this time I'm like, things are going to be so much better because I'm eating healthy and like I've been thinking about my lifestyle and reducing toxins in my environment. Elsie came along, I opted for a C -section because I still had so much birth trauma that I wasn't even aware of in terms of being able to deal with it. But so the caesarean was great.
Filipa Bellette (10:23.686)
in terms of the recovery, but I know that it caused other issues from a physiological point of view. And then a couple of weeks post Elsie being born, I felt really good and she was sleeping and I'm like, okay, cool. Let's just like work really hard. Let's jump back into business and do all the things. Again, those perfectionism patterns showed up and my body's like, we are not letting you off the hook right now. So all the symptoms came back.
I'm like, this is not great. I'm already eating well. What else is there? Obviously haven't got to the root cause. That's when I came across functional medicine. So for your listeners who don't know what that is, it sits in the natural therapies and it goes beyond what GPs and medical specialists test for. So functional medicine is using evidence based lab testing that looks at different body systems that are missed in or not traditional standard medical care.
And that was a game changer for me because I'd already done the GP tests. Nothing came back, but I found a myriad of things that were out of balance in my body. Adrenal fatigue, parasites, candida, leaky gut, detox issues, brain chemicals were really depleted. And that started helping big time when I started actually addressing those systems in my body. And I've got a body burnout number three, but we'll probably talk about that later.
Jen (11:52.362)
So when you had Poppy, were you already doing what you do now? And then it's evolved over that
Filipa Bellette (12:01.95)
in terms of business stuff or yeah. Okay. No. So actually when she was born, I just completed a PhD. so already, and that was not in natural therapies, but it kind of is, has come full circle because it was all around using the power of words to transfer himself and others. So yeah. I bet that was a really.
Jen (12:03.596)
Like, yeah, like what, what would you, yep, yep.
Jen (12:22.36)
wow. Okay. Yep.
Filipa Bellette (12:27.344)
high stress period as well. So it was a four or five year journey of the PhD. I rarely gave myself any time to have fun because I had a lot of imposter syndrome. I was quite young doing a PhD. And then, so back then I was working at university as like a lecturer and tutor and then then stopped because I had no function to be able to do it.
Jen (12:47.202)
Yep. Okay.
Jen (12:52.514)
Yeah, and then you had your baby and then this is where everything else has kind of come in. Yeah, yeah, amazing. I mean, it's interesting, isn't it, that it's something so challenging can sometimes lead to something so fulfilling in what we do in a workplace. I've heard you say the word burnout a lot. Can you give me the, or give us the, what is burnout? It's probably the good question.
Filipa Bellette (12:55.502)
I s - Yeah. Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (13:06.768)
Mm -hmm.
Filipa Bellette (13:18.554)
Yeah. Yeah. So we hear the word burnout a lot. And I'll talk about our term body burnout in a second as well. So burnout, like essentially it's a, it's a stress issue. You're burning the candle at both ends for too long and now you're feeling it. And so we hear about it a lot in the workplace. You're working too hard. You're not resting or recovering enough. It often leads to unhealthy habits as well. Cause you're
you're drinking a lot of caffeine or alcohol to try and regulate your nervous system or to pick up energy. Why we use the term body burnout and I use the word we because my husband is also co -founder of our practice and business. Because that's where burnout has been going on for long enough that now going on a holiday or having a good night's sleep or a few good night's sleep doesn't allow you to bounce back and feel
balanced again. It's almost like far out. Like I've just had this wonderful holiday in Fiji, for example. I mean, I feel great after Fiji. But if someone does that and they come back and they're like, I've still got exhaustion, I've still got anxiety and depression. I've still got brain fog, insomnia, sleep issues, and now my gut's playing up and maybe there's autoimmune condition showing up as well. That's where the body systems inside of you have burnt out.
Jen (14:20.45)
Hmm.
Filipa Bellette (14:43.59)
to an extent that it's not just about now eating well and having a good night's sleep in order to bounce back from
Jen (14:54.04)
So I guess what, I know you just covered off some signs and symptoms of burnout, but guess I'm interested in the real difference between being a mom and being tired and going on a holiday. And I also almost think going on a holiday for a mom is actually harder than being at home because you just take the same shit with you to a place that is less equipped to do life than home is. So it's like, now we're trying to have this break and it's trying to be amazing, but.
There's none of my usual conveniences. So life is just harder and therefore moms come back from holidays tired. But what are the key signs and symptoms that we're moving away from? You know, I'm a mom, I've got babies or toddlers or even teenagers and I'm tired into actual burnout and being diagnosed with body burnout or burnout.
Filipa Bellette (15:43.75)
So there's three main issues or symptoms, energy mood, gut issues are the three big ones that pretty much every client has at least two, if not all three of those. And there's ranges as well. So you can have body burnout, but it might be earlier signs where it is that tiredness where it's just like, you get to the 3pm slump and you need something like whether it's sugar or caffeine to get you through it or you need to go have a sleep.
I feel like any sign of tiredness is actually a sign of burnout. It's just that there's a spectrum of it. And are you going to listen to it when it's earlier? Or are you going to listen to it when you're now chronically fatigued and you can't work or parent very effectively?
Jen (16:29.688)
How do you find though, like whenever anyone says tight and it's funny as being in the fitness space for a while, like people come in, it's like, did you have a good night's sleep? And they're like, dude, I've got a baby. Like there is no, and then you're, you're as a fitness exercise professional, you're going, you need to get good sleep in order to get the most out of your training. And they're just like, what the fuck are you talking about? So it's like, again, I'm just going to ask the same question and you'll just dig in deeper is like as a mom who's not sleeping anyway, how do you know it's burnout?
Filipa Bellette (16:57.174)
Yeah, so it's really different if you're in those early baby stages where or maybe you've got a toddler or even like, I mean, our children sleep well now, although our oldest likes to sleepwalk. So she does some funny things at night time sometimes. But yeah, so that's that there's a big difference between that. But even that alone. So even if you're not sleep, it's almost like this vicious cycle. So it might be circumstantial, something outside of your control where you've got a new baby.
Jen (17:00.278)
Okay,
Filipa Bellette (17:26.238)
and they're crying all the time and you're getting up breastfeeding or they're now toddlers and they're having nightmares or whatever it is. So there's something in your environment that's causing you to wake
And that is going to cause tiredness. So if that just happens acutely, like if that's just every now and then, and then you wake up and you're like, yeah, I'm not optimal today, but I can see why, because my kid was sick and I was up all night. It's like, yeah, cool. That's just like your regular tiredness. Once you get a good night's sleep, you're back on track. This is where postnatal depletion is so tied up with lack of sleep as well. So
less sleep you have, the more your body systems literally will burn out over time as well. it's almost like you are in burnout, even if you have or when you have a baby that is not sleeping and you feel really rotten. And so we've worked with a lot of mums and even mums who haven't
optimal sleep because of their children can still feel better when their body systems and their nervous system is operating like when you can support those areas of the body.
Jen (18:40.824)
So you can do other things to, I guess, compensate. I mean, it's not compensating, but to support the lack of sleep rather than letting it all snowball into a big disaster.
Filipa Bellette (18:50.222)
Yeah, yeah. And then there's things as well. Like I've had conversations where I'm like, well, have you have you sourced a have you talked to your partner about sharing the load? Have you have you hired a sleep? What is it like a sleep baby doctor? A sleep coach person who can do magic in a very short period of time and your baby can then be sleeping. And then there's also moms who
Jen (19:07.358)
sleep coach person.
Filipa Bellette (19:18.082)
now have children or babies that are sleeping, but they're still waking up listening. Like it's almost like the nervous system gets really dysregulated. Especially if you have anxiety going on where it's almost like I always have to be like half awake, half asleep in case my baby needs me, in case my baby's in danger. And it's often happening at an unconscious level. And so that's all tied in with why we why our system gets burnt out as well because
Jen (19:23.234)
Mm.
Filipa Bellette (19:46.202)
we basically get stuck in fight
Jen (19:48.492)
Yeah, it's an anxiety response, right? Yep. Yep. You mentioned gut there before. So tell me about, we've, we've talked about the three were energy, mood and gut. And we kind of talked about sleep. Is there anything else like energy? Let's go energy first, because we just talked about sleep. But what else do we need to tune into? When we go, yeah, I'm tired. What energetically what else is going on if I'm in or approaching burnout?
Filipa Bellette (20:16.09)
Hmm. So like, do you mean like deeper root causes that might be going on or other symptoms? Okay. Okay. Okay, cool. Awesome. So other symptoms would be brain fog, mental clarity. That's a really shut
Jen (20:20.588)
Well, either. mean, you can go, know more about this than I do. So yeah, other symptoms that are energy related and then we could go into the deeper root quarters.
Jen (20:33.718)
Okay. Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (20:37.126)
Actually, usually when people get to that point, they're in later stages of burnout because they've been stuck in this high fight flight state of chronic stress. And now it's like, can't do this anymore. We just got to shut down. And so that often shows up as like that more deeper fatigue, the brain fog, the low motivation is a big one as
Jen (20:58.584)
Philly, just before we move, so for someone that's not experienced brain fog, what is it? What does it feel like?
Filipa Bellette (21:05.538)
If you've experienced a hangover, it's kind of similar. It's kind of the people, people like in it, like because I always hear the language of clients as well when they're trying to describe their symptoms and they don't have the word like the term for it yet. And they're like, I feel like I'm swimming through water or I feel like there's this hazy cloud around me all the time. And I'm like trying to work my way through it. It can also be forgetfulness as well.
Jen (21:19.798)
Mmm.
Filipa Bellette (21:34.254)
So it's just like, I even put that in the calendar today and I just like completely forgot to pick my child up. I have had
Jen (21:40.63)
Yeah, we've been there. We've all been there. Well, you just about to say you've never done that, because I have.
Filipa Bellette (21:48.026)
I've definitely got there late.
Jen (21:49.078)
Maybe that, yeah, yeah, mum, where are you? You're picking me up today? yeah, yeah, just running late. I'll be there soon.
Filipa Bellette (21:53.99)
And it's also like just slow cognition as well. So if if you're someone like a listener who is working, have your own business and your brain's just not as sharp as what it used to be. It's just it's almost like it's operating at less speed. The internet connection is not great.
Jen (22:13.91)
Yeah, as you're talking. Yeah, I hear you as you're talking like I'm in this I mean space of pre postnatal but then also a lot of people talking about perimenopause and menopause. How do you then distinguish between burnout because I'm now putting the pieces together and going women have had babies, women have carried the mental load for such a long time. And they start to get the symptoms of burnout probably at the same time that if they've not experienced it early postpartum.
or earlier postpartum, at the same time as they are approaching perimenopause and menopause. So how do we know if it's one or the other? Right.
Filipa Bellette (22:53.35)
It's all of
So maybe to give you a little bit more of a concrete, some concrete information around that. So when I'm thinking about body burnout, there's three main systems that burn out. So the neuroendocrine system, which compromises your brain, your mitochondria. So I'm sure that all your trainers would know that term. It's all about energy production, converting food into energy. We do that when we're exercising.
There's also your sex hormones and then there's your adrenal glands, which are your stress hormones. Now the adrenal glands are usually the first thing that go out of whack when you're in burnout. You're producing too much stress hormones and at some point your body can't produce any more at that level and so it starts to deplete. Your stress hormones, cortisol and DHEA convert into progesterone, testosterone and estrogen. So a lot of the times when a woman is going into the perimenopause phase,
If she hasn't already had female hormone issues, but there's stress hormone issues, it usually impacts the balance of your female hormones. They should be balanced even as they're dropping and that's where women just stop bleeding and they have no symptoms. just, their menopause happens for one day. It's the year after your last period and then your post -menopausal.
the women who are getting a lot of perimenopausal signs and symptoms, it's because those hormones are already out of whack and they probably were previously too menopause. So it's kind of, we actually see and we work with a lot of midlife women and some men because that's where things can really start ramping up or like exacerbating. It's kind of like it's been simmering there all along and then bang, some things happen because your hormones are dropping and then all those imbalances.
Filipa Bellette (24:43.494)
and the deeper stuff that causes you to go into burnout anyway. The body's just like, we can't do this any longer. We've done this for 40 years, maybe even 50 years. We are done and we're going to send you some loud signals to do something about it.
Jen (24:56.878)
And then, so would you, as someone operating in functional medicine, would you then send someone for testing to see if they were in perimetopause? What tests would you do?
Filipa Bellette (25:10.852)
Yeah, so I look, depends on someone's symptoms. If a woman is like, if a lot of her main concerns are very hormonal, then we will run some female hormone testing. And you can some female some GPS will test for female hormones as well. So that could be a starting place. Not all GPS do to do though. A lot of my clients get the message that it's like, it's too hard to test
female hormones when you're going into perimenopause because they're all over the place anyway. It's like, well, that's a great story and belief to tell your patients that you're already like a bit of a mess.
Jen (25:44.866)
It's too hard. Yeah, too hard and you're a myth. Yeah, which is what we've been told all our lives.
Filipa Bellette (25:48.71)
You're too hard. Yeah, yeah. So we so we test the female hormones. And if someone's still cycling, it might be a 28 day panel where we're actually mapping what your hormones are doing over the course of the cycle. Or if someone, you know, they're not getting a regular period or they've stopped having a period, but they're getting a lot of hot flushes and other perimenopausal symptoms. You can just do like a spot test on one day. But that's
That's only a small part of the picture. The female hormones are interconnected like hugely with your adrenal glands. So usually I'll start there. It's like, you know what? Let's actually look at your adrenals. If there's issues there and we rebalance your adrenal glands and the root causes, then your female hormones are just going to balance out nine times out of 10 on their own anyway.
Jen (26:38.592)
Yeah, okay. Okay, so I think I feel like this perimenopause -menopause conversation will keep interchanging as we move forward. so if we've talked about brain frog, mental clarity, where do we go from there to continue to look into more signs and symptoms of burnout?
Filipa Bellette (26:56.74)
Yeah, so mood would be a big one as well. So and again, it can be a spectrum. So on one hand, deeper levels of body burnout would be diagnosed anxiety, depression, or maybe you haven't got a clinical diagnosis, but it's like you're ticking all the boxes. But there can be earlier signs too. So a big one would be irritability, not coping with stress the way that you used to. It's like, now that like those noises that my kids make or like those emails that I get from my clients, it's like, grrr.
Jen (27:24.59)
just tell you something that's a funny story. I'm one of those people that cannot, cannot listen to other people eat. I just can't do it and it's gotten worse. It's gotten so bad that I walk, I'm into the kitchen and Ben comes in and he gets something and he eats and he's like, I'm just like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, how dare you eat around me and make chewing noises? And it's like the worst it's ever been in my whole life at the moment, I think to the point at which
Filipa Bellette (27:26.724)
Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (27:48.71)
It's so funny.
Wow.
Jen (27:54.048)
I will put in headphones if other people are eating around me and I will not. It's so bad. Anyway, I don't know if anyone else is like that. Please tell me if you are, cause it's bad. Carry on.
Filipa Bellette (27:57.594)
Huh.
Filipa Bellette (28:05.766)
there's so much, we'll probably talk about this a little bit later, but I feel like there's a past distressing event connected with
Jen (28:13.6)
It's like a whole life distressing event. It's like people eating noisily around me my whole
Filipa Bellette (28:19.3)
like, how dare you? Okay, so that's the mood side of things. And then and that can also tie in with PMS and perimenopause type stuff as well. It's just like, I feel like an emotional wreck leading up to my period or like, I don't even know what's going on anymore. Very emotional and like, again, low motivation will come into that too, which I think could be helpful and useful for trainers listening to this if you have clients who maybe used to turn up all the
Jen (28:34.035)
See ya.
Filipa Bellette (28:47.62)
And they're like, yes, it's so good and easy and I'm loving eating healthy. And then all of a sudden they're like, I can't do this anymore.
Jen (28:48.014)
Mmmmm
Jen (28:57.068)
Let's dig into that a little bit because I think, I think a lot of people don't know what to do and trainers don't know what to do when, well, when someone has, you know, that energy levels have changed or something has changed, but also that what do I do with them now? Like, do we keep doing the exercise that we have always done, which, know, intellectually I go clearly not, we need to, you know, slow the exercise down, change the exercises that we're doing, see how someone's showing up on any given day,
what is helpful from a movement perspective in that environment and what is really unhelpful.
Filipa Bellette (29:32.486)
Yeah, okay. Unhelpful would be go hard or go home. Just keep doing it. Now, my husband used to be a personal trainer. I have had what, maybe for like 15 years, we had different gyms and personal training things. So I've had a lot of experience in that from a student point of view, but also just observing clients showing up differently as well.
Jen (29:39.2)
Let's go.
Filipa Bellette (30:01.284)
And what is not helpful is, yeah, like sticking with the same program, I think. It's like, okay, if your client is now really tired, and also I'd be thinking about recovery. If they're complaining of my muscles just aren't recovering as well as what they used to, or for me, I used to get sick. Like if I did even something a little bit more intense than usual back in the day, next day I'd have a cold or a flu.
And also another one for me too, was I just was crabby after exercise. Whereas previously it's like exercise would make me happy and I'd feel like energized and sparky. And then afterwards when I was in a state of body burnout, I was just crabby. I'm like, now my kids are even more annoying.
Jen (30:34.51)
Jen (30:45.826)
even less energy to deal with everything.
Filipa Bellette (30:48.26)
I've got even less energy. there's signs. then I believe that every person has all the answers that they need in order to heal and be well and to have optimal health. So have a conversation with your mom. Like, what do you think you need today? And that literally might be maybe she needs to stretch and do some deep breathing. And maybe she needs to go for a
maybe it's less less aerobic cardio type stuff and more strength training kind of depends on the person where they're at but I think like a lovely question to ask is like what do you think you need
Jen (31:31.598)
It's an interesting question though, isn't it? Because I think, I mean, we're getting better, but I do believe that there's a generation of grownups out there who've been very disconnected from like their body to their head. And it's, you know, potentially with the previous generation of parenting where it was more just get on with it, like you're fine, just get on with it, suck it up, keep going. And there's that, and it's probably our kind of age range of people and a little bit older learning how to go, well, my brain's saying something.
but I'm either shutting down my body in order to keep going or I don't know, I'm reaching for other things to compensate, but I've now got to learn how to connect my brain to my body. Whereas I think when it comes to parenting, we're now helping our children to grow up knowing how to connect or at least name their feelings and whatever it may be. So if I've got someone that is maybe that over 40 age group that potentially has spent their whole lives.
Filipa Bellette (32:18.32)
No.
Jen (32:28.898)
disconnecting their brain from their body and that you've worked in trauma and all that kind of thing as well. What are some things within our scope of practice as trainers that we can talk to our moms that maybe burn out about even to get them to reconnect into how their body feels rather than just shutting it out and keeping going.
Filipa Bellette (32:46.979)
Yes. And that might be like, okay, so we talk about, think, I can't remember. I think I use the word intuition. It's like intuition. What even is that? So that might, so in order to reconnect, it might be something physical that a woman starts paying attention to. So what's my heart rate variability today? How many hours of sleep did I get and was it good quality?
What's my mood, my mood score? So you can kind of like score all these things out of 10 and let's just say 10 is great. Good to go. It's like awesome. Great. What are we? What have we got planned today for exercise? Awesome. You're good to go. This is going to be great for you. If things are like two out of 10 and other things might be like muscle, muscle soreness, joint pain. You can probably think of some other things as well. Blood pressure.
There's just some physical markers that you can test for or some subjective questions you can ask, which then can help the trainer to adapt the program, but also it's helping the woman, the client, to really start connecting to the cues from her own physical body as well. That's a great place to start because it's really tangible.
The more you get better at connecting with those things, the more trust is being built between what I call your conscious and unconscious mind. And then it's like, she's listening. So when I say she's listening to me, it's kind of like your unconscious mind is like, they're listening to us. Okay, we're connecting again. Okay, cool. Maybe I can start sending her some more what someone might call woo woo signals. Like she had a dream with accessing some information or like, I've just got this dis
Jen (34:26.86)
Huh.
Filipa Bellette (34:32.058)
this discomfortable,
Jen (34:34.766)
I like that word. We're gonna have that word. I like making up words. It's good.
Filipa Bellette (34:41.03)
I this discomfort in my lower diaphragm or in my chest. this is a message. Like that's when you can then start paying attention to more subtle cues. Or I had this little micro thought and then I kind of pushed it away. But hang on, those little micro thoughts are usually messages from the unconscious.
Jen (34:59.916)
Yeah. Yeah. Would you do any kind of like, I guess, and it depends on train experience and openness from both trainer to mom, but you know, even breathing exercise and potentially a body scan or something like
Filipa Bellette (35:15.886)
Yeah, absolutely. I'll give you a practical, like a story as well. I six months postpartum with my first baby. We had a CrossFit gym back
Jen (35:30.122)
six months postpartum crossfit gym. What could go wrong? Possibly nothing at all.
Filipa Bellette (35:35.558)
And I'd had time off. okay, anyway, so I messaged Chris and I'm like, hey, I'm at home. I want to do a home workout. And I had access to all this equipment and he sent me this little workout. And one of them was a deadlift. And I'm like, okay, what's the heaviest kettlebell I can pick up? And I'd never done a deadlift in my
I don't actually that's a lie. Like I would have done it before babies just with a very light dead bell kettlebell. So anyway, so I did this unguided exercise protocol and very quickly into it. I heard my back crack and severe pain. I couldn't stand up. I was literally lying on my back for about half an hour until I could kind of like crawl my way upstairs to I was actually we were living with my parents at that time.
Jen (36:07.747)
Yeah.
Jen (36:16.312)
Mm.
Filipa Bellette (36:29.702)
And then for 18 months, I just had the worst sciatica pain ever. And it went to physios, chiros, they did scans. Nothing could be found. This is the weird thing. Even though I physically heard something crack, there was nothing like my body had healed yet I still had chronic pain. That's a whole nother episode, but basically my brain took over and it's like, anytime we feel stress or anytime we move our body in a certain way, bang, you feel pain again.
There was a period of my life for a few months after that initial injury that I just kept pushing my body because I'm like, no, I'm the fit girl. Like, and I'm the personal trainer as well. So I got to show up like two times a day to do training. I got to support him and inspire everyone else. And like I used to be able to do 20 pull -ups. I'm going to get back to that. But there were probably three other episodes where I was also using a barbell.
like so heavier weights. And again, my back just cracked the same time. And it took me a long time from a mindset point of view to actually start saying, I've got to start listening to my body. It got so bad that I couldn't even lift my baby out of a cot. So this is where I started actually paying attention. And I think probably my journey also shaped to the way that Chris then started training people as well. Cause he's like, you've got to like support.
these people's bodies, you know, we can't break them.
Jen (37:57.731)
Yeah, funny that. Especially those mums that are walking back into the gym.
Filipa Bellette (38:02.822)
huh. So we started putting in a lot of protocols, like the ones that I just mentioned before, right at the start, before we start an exercise session, what are the things that you, that we can measure in order to determine, it like good to go green today or is it more like, okay, we need to pair it back. So to go back to your original question, there were nine times out of 10 when I showed up, I was like at a red zone. It's
Slow down today, Philly. And so literally it would just be some really, it was more nervous system regulation movements and breath work. And that's what my body needed. But far out, I held onto this belief and story that, but I'm going to put on weight if I do this. And, no, this is like, what a waste of time. I wasn't paying my husband money to train me,
If I was, I would have been like, what a waste of money when I'm not like leaving the gym feeling like really sweaty and thrashed. But I worked with that. Like just any time those stories came up, I'm like, this is not a helpful thing to be thinking right now because you're literally breaking your body by entertaining that behavioral pattern.
Jen (39:18.03)
It's funny, isn't it? Like when I listened to you, there's so much self -worth as a new mom wrapped up in what we once were, thought we should be, feel like we should do. And that kind of plays into that continuing to go, keep going. And I think one of the biggest things that you actually gave yourself was permission not to do that. But I think as exercise professionals and trainers working with moms
to give permission to somebody, not that you should need to give anyone permission to do whatever the fuck they want to do, but to say, hey, it's okay. In this environment, we come in and we use the traffic light system and we have a program, but within that program, there's like 20, 25, 30 variabilities on that that we can offer you based on where you're at on any given day. And that is the sign for me of a trainer that is really switched on.
Filipa Bellette (40:09.103)
Yes.
Jen (40:09.184)
and is able to respond intuitively to the people in their class and to help the people in their class be intuitive about themselves.
Filipa Bellette (40:18.116)
Yeah. And also connect it to the person's goal as well. so let's just say, I know, like I know again, from personal experience, a lot of people would join the gym because they wanted to lose weight or get stronger. And so, so it's helping them to reframe and change their belief system that you can actually, if your body isn't in your green zone at the moment, and you try and push it, you're going to put on more weight. Like you're literally going to put on more weight.
and your muscle tissue isn't going to be able to grow and repair because you're in a stress state. And that can help the client really settle down as well. Where it's just like, I see how that's connected now. And me showing up and investing my time and money and my energy by doing something that is different to what I thought I needed is actually going to help me ultimately.
Jen (40:55.725)
Hmm.
Jen (41:12.95)
Yeah, and then if we take it a layer deeper than that, as a female or a postpartum mom who's decided that her goal is to lose weight, to get her body back, whatever you want to say, which you know, she's already carrying this level of expectation on top of all of the other things that she's carrying as a new mom. And maybe we can also work on giving her permission to not need
to measure up to that expectation that society has given her anyway. Yeah. Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (41:43.866)
Yup, Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.
Jen (41:50.27)
Let's let's move into gut. I'm interested in gut so you tell me about gut the relationship to from gut and burnout.
Filipa Bellette (41:59.162)
Okay, yeah. So when you're stuck in burnout, you're stuck in fight flight, which means that you've got two, you've got many pathways of your nervous system, but the two main ones is you're either in sympathetic, which is your stress response, or parasympathetic, which is rest and digest. And so gut issues is a really common thing to start showing up when someone is in a state
probably like more so deeper body burnout. Going back to your question around how do I know if I'm just tired because of life and I'm burnt out? The more burnt out you are, the more symptoms people tend to collect. So it's no longer just tiredness. Now it's like I've also got heartburn or bloating or diarrhea or constipation. And by gut issues as well, you can have systemic symptoms as well. So maybe your gut symptoms feel fine, but you've
now got skin issues or you're developing autoimmune type conditions, your hair's falling out. These are all signs and common things that cause, that can pinpoint that there's a gut imbalance issue. Food sensitivities is a big one as well. It's like I used to always be able to eat gluten and dairy, but all of a sudden, time I have cream, I have to run to the toilet.
Jen (43:15.726)
And then are there other things with gut as well? Or is it just, I mean, when I think about gut, what do I think about? I guess when you were talking that I was thinking about, I guess, loose bowel movements, like food running straight through you, like you just gave with that, and then you've got your skin issues, or is there anything else that we can be tuning into?
Filipa Bellette (43:35.03)
bloating is a big one. that feeling like it's like I'm actually not pregnant, but I look like I am again. heartburn, I'm trying to think of other systemic ones. Look, it's all connected. So you've got this nerve, the vagus nerve that runs from your brain to your gut as well. So you could have an imbalance in your gut and that might look
pathogens, so parasites, yeast infections, bacterial pathogens, your beneficial bacteria might be really depleted. You might have digestive organs that aren't functioning very well now to break down foods. So if there's inflammation, imbalances happening in the gut, it's always sending these signals up to our brain as well. So this can then show up as the energy and mood issues too. I remember when I started doing my own functional medicine.
testing and treatment protocol, I got to a section in my protocol where I was treating the gut. And first thing I did was start getting rid of parasites. And three days into that cleanse, I remember I was driving over a bridge to drop my child off to daycare. Sun was shining. And I just felt like this anxiety, depression cloud literally lifting off my shoulders. And like the parasites were affecting my mental health.
Jen (44:57.624)
So I guess now, where do we start? If we've started to tick all these boxes of burnout, and we've gone through lots of signs and symptoms, are there official tests that we should be doing other than we talked about hormonal testing? And then what do we do to start trying to fix it, especially as moms that are trying to do everything, and we don't want to add that extra level of overwhelm? Now I've got to fix my overwhelm with more overwhelm and try and figure out what the fuck.
Filipa Bellette (45:20.036)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're overwhelmed. Okay, so, so in our practice, we always think about and this will help answer both of those questions. You can't have physical symptoms or mental health issues as well without there being some body system imbalance. So I started telling
You're about the three body systems and I only spoke about one. So there's the neuroendocrine system, then there's the GI system and then there's your detox system as well. So that's all about liver and getting rid of toxins from your body. So that actually starts to simplify the things that we test for because in functional medicine and also in standard medicine, there's thousands of tests that people could run. But the three big areas
go out of whack are those three ones I just mentioned. So there's some specific tests that can be run that aren't a lot of tests that can identify where in those three body systems you are out of whack. Sometimes I have clients and I might suggest maybe two or three tests, but they start off with one, which is fine. So it's kind of like the clinician will help guide you to what would be the best one to start with. And then in our practice, we have two models. So 1 % better every day.
and also do the minimum to be the maximum and to get the maximum results as well. So a lot of people we work with, so a lot of people who are in burnout often run perfectionism, people pleasing, overdoing, high achieving patterns. And a lot of people can get stuck when they start a healing protocol because they try to heal in the way that they actually burnt out in the first place.
Jen (46:59.82)
in a perfect way.
Filipa Bellette (47:04.272)
So, so, so we, I always, mean, okay, so there's some supplements and stuff to take to start supporting the body systems, which one can help you to start resetting and feeling better, faster, so then your capacity is getting a bit higher, your overwhelms getting a bit less because you're feeling better mentally as well. But then before changing your whole life and the way that you're eating and getting rid of toxins from your home. Yeah, okay, me.
Jen (47:29.697)
Which is stressful in itself, right? Like, yep.
Filipa Bellette (47:33.568)
is looking at the deeper reasons as to why you're running patterns in the first place and starting to move into flowing rather than forcing change and being rather than doing. And that actually is like it's challenging, but for a lot of people who running these like very busy burnt out patterns, it's actually really freeing and a little bit of a breath of fresh air because it's like, I don't feel
There's not this big expectation that I have to change everything all at once. If I can get to the deeper, what we call the deep root root cause, which is essentially the belief, the deepest belief that you have about yourself, which is also your deepest fear about yourself. And we can start changing that. Everything changes, not just your health and your habits, but like your business, your finances, your lifestyle, your parenting, everything.
Jen (48:31.298)
I've got two thoughts running at the same time. One is that's where that kind of the PhD you did in language really sits beautifully with the work that you do. And the other one was, can you repeat the two things that you wanna work on and give us a couple of examples of each? Cause I would find that really helpful. You just mentioned two and I was like, I need to remember that. Cause I was trying to think of the other thing at the same time. Yeah. And then what was the other one?
Filipa Bellette (48:49.06)
Yeah, what are the two things?
Filipa Bellette (48:54.79)
Was that the 1 % better every day and okay, and do the minimum to be the maximum.
Jen (49:01.622)
Yeah, and then you followed with something after
Filipa Bellette (49:03.782)
And then I followed with getting to the deep root cause around the beliefs. that okay? Okay. Yeah. I'd love to. I'd love to because this is actually so COVID 2020 happened and few years before that my health was pretty good and I'm like, yeah, I've solved it. Got to the root. I'm great. Awesome.
Jen (49:10.018)
Yeah, dig into that a little bit more. Yeah.
Jen (49:26.37)
Done it!
Filipa Bellette (49:28.998)
then COVID happened. Everyone has their own COVID story. There was quite a lot of stress and Chris's gym shut down. My functional medicine practice kind of like suddenly there was crickets because everyone freaked out and like canceled and I'm like, And then we decided to just like, Chris decided to literally shut down the gym. He's like, I'm not opening it. I'm going to join your practice and we're going to create this beautiful health practice. We're actually going to help people
get out of burnout and all that sort of stuff, which was great because it was a dream that we both had. But it was very stressful. It was very triggering for me. We also homeschooling. There was financial issues and all my health issues came back, including insomnia this time. That wasn't something that I really had in the past. And when I don't sleep, I'm not happy.
Jen (50:18.606)
And that's just an extra layer, isn't it, on top of everything else. Like,
Filipa Bellette (50:21.572)
Yeah, yeah. So I was frustrated. But I'm like, it's okay. I've got my toolkit. I've solved it once. I'll do it again. Ran tests, tidied up my diet and my lifestyle. But anything that I did from a physical point of view did not budge any symptom at all. It was literally like my body was sending me some clear signals that you still haven't got to the root. You still haven't got to the root and it's destroying us.
So that's where I went down a journey and looked at the metaphysical inflammation happening in my body. So in our practice, we're working on both the physical body, but also the metaphysical, which is the deeper beliefs we have about ourselves, the stuck trauma, the blocked emotion that literally acts as a tiger chasing us 24 seven, because it's stuck in our system. And it's always triggering you as well. If someone has this baggage in the unconscious mind.
So the belief, so the deepest root cause belief for me that I then worked on and reprogrammed was around being weak and incapable. And I could see it in my timeline. It's like, of course, that's where it all started. Like literally, that's why even as a teenager, I thought that I had to like be the best and get A pluses and work really hard. And, you know, then that developed all those busy perfectionism patterns.
showed up in motherhood in the way that I was exercising. And, you know, when I started business, it was just everywhere. And also that belief, so every belief, these deep unconscious core beliefs dictate your reality. And it's also the machine that's driving everything. So I also believed unconsciously that my body was weak and incapable. And so therefore, how the heck could it be well? How the heck could it function?
how the heck could it, like even like with all the exercise and the injuries, how the heck could my body ever recover or ever be well enough to be able to exercise again? And when I was able to uncover that and start reprogramming that at an unconscious point of view, and that's also like changing the meanings and the stories around events that were attached to that and clearing that from the system, it was actually like magic. Like literally my symptoms switched
Filipa Bellette (52:44.512)
And not just my symptoms, but relationships way better. We started making more money in our business. I was showing up with more confidence. I was a better practitioner. Like everything changed.
Jen (52:56.974)
So how number one, like what is the process you go through to get to that belief? And then two, how do you just switch it off? Because that's pretty clever.
Filipa Bellette (53:04.536)
Okay. It's like, I've got a magic wand. It's a million dollars for me to wave it.
Jen (53:09.4)
I want one. Give me one.
so that's how you make your money. I'm joking. Cool.
Filipa Bellette (53:18.01)
Okay, so there's some, I mean, there's a process, but I'll give you and your listeners some really, really great coaching questions to get to the deeper root quite fast. When I say quite fast, you have to be willing to uncover it because there's so much unconscious resistance when it comes to this. And there's a lot of clever strategies we play where it's like, no, I don't have time for that. like,
no, no, maybe I'll do that later. Or I'm just like, all of a sudden, I've got brain fog thinking about this. Your whole system is constantly trying to protect you from the greatest fear you have about yourself. So there must be a willingness to go there. And then the first question would be, what are dysfunctional patterns that you're running that are blocking you from getting you what you want? And so for me, that was
Yeah, I'm running around like a crazy woman. And even when I try to relax, I can't relax. And I'm addictively working and you know, there were a bunch of other things. So dysfunctional patterns that you're playing out. And then what must I believe about myself in order to behave that way? And that's where it can be useful to zoom out of yourself and look at another woman playing those same patterns in the same life that you have, but it's kind of like detaching it so that you're not so personally feeling
persecuted around it. Because you can't do self awareness when there's judgment. So you're wanting to look at this with just curiosity. It's like I'm just looking at the data. What's going on here? This is interesting. And judgment can show up as guilt, shame, embarrassment, even laughing at yourself. So what must I believe about myself in order to behave this way? And then when was the earliest time I believed that to be true?
And it's when you start going back into the past. there'll be a timeline of events and there's usually a very first time. And then the moment that you decided that to be true, your brain is then collecting evidence, more and more evidence to try and find more evidence that that belief is true. And then it becomes this thing that feels really real, but it's just imaginary. Like it's not true.
Jen (55:28.334)
but it's been there your whole life, right? That is big.
Filipa Bellette (55:30.956)
It has and from a neuroscience point of view, every thought, every belief we have is a neural pathway. So if you think about it, if you've been running these patterns and this belief has been with you for decades, then those neural pathways are pretty strong, which is why it's hard to change it, but it's totally possible. Like you can. And then when it comes to reprogramming, so you're going to identify a deeper root cause belief and the reprogramming, there's a combination of stuff.
Like you want to at some point go past just the conscious logical mind and start shifting things unconsciously. But I'm a very data in like things have to make sense. So from a sense making point of view, look at that first event. Was it true?
So for me, like one of the earlier events was I stood up on a stage and in front of hundred people and I was a little girl and I had a tiny little talk that I'd memorized and I was so proud of myself. And mum and dad were gonna be so proud that I was gonna get up and share this without reading it and completely forgot my words, burst out crying, so humiliated. And from then on, it's like, something's wrong with me. Why can all the other little kids come up
do their talks perfectly. And so like I literally went back to that point, what else could be true? I was just a kid, far out I was brave that I even chose to memorize, not all the other kids did. I got up on the stage and being vulnerable and like it's not, it doesn't mean that you're weak and incapable if you cry, emotions are actually really healthy. They're really healthy. And you know, then I expanded from there.
Jen (56:58.166)
and got up on the stage.
Filipa Bellette (57:13.146)
But there's different practices as well. there's different, we use different modalities like NLP, TRTP trauma therapy. There's different modalities that can really tap into your imagination to start recreating new events and new beliefs. Because your unconscious mind doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is imagined. And so this is like such a powerful source within you.
that you can recreate whatever the heck you wanna recreate.
Jen (57:46.424)
If somebody wants to dive, like, cause I feel like we could now go so much deeper in this conversation. But if someone, if this has piqued someone's interest and they want to find out more, where do they go? Like, is this what you do inside of
Filipa Bellette (58:00.91)
It is, it is all the things. Yeah, cool. So we have a program called the Ending Body Burnout Method, which I'm just smiling at because I just love it so much. I don't think there's anything on this planet like it, but we're really, we're taking just standard functional medicine and we're doing deep root cause medicine. So in natural therapies, natural past nutritionists, functional medicine, like we all spout
Jen (58:01.698)
Yeah, just tell us a little bit about that. Yeah.
Jen (58:11.918)
That's so good.
Filipa Bellette (58:27.354)
we're practicing root cause medicine, but I discovered that we weren't like we were only going surface level deep to like lifestyle and behavior management to the deeper root causes. So in our program at six months and over that time, we're doing both the physical and metaphysical work. Probably majority of the attention though is on this deeper root cause stuff because it's what makes the lasting change. And then you're able to heal and
It changes not just your health, but everything in your life. Like it's magical. It's wonderful. But I've also got a book. So if someone's like, sounds great. But can I learn more? I've got a book called The Ending Body Burnout. Sorry, not The Ending Body Burnout. It's called Ending Body Burnout. your spark. And then our podcast is a really great resource as well, especially for more information and understanding in terms of how we actually get to
deeper root causes of healing, body burnout.
Jen (59:29.592)
Do you guys do like workshops and things or retreats and things? Because I'm like, I'm like, I want to do the course, but I don't want to do the course. I just want to go on a weekend and learn how to do it. Break me down over a weekend and then I'm not done, but now I can keep moving.
Filipa Bellette (59:34.859)
No, we haven't done a retreat, but
Filipa Bellette (59:41.252)
Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, no, but it's definitely on the on the bucket list. A retreat would be amazing. Because I think that it would be really helpful to for people who it's like, I really want to. Sometimes we get the objection with the program is like, it's a bit long. Or like, there's too much or, you know, whatever.
Jen (59:49.166)
That would be cool.
Yeah.
Filipa Bellette (01:00:09.466)
But that objection probably is more like, can I fit it into my life? So we have thought about even if it was like a five day, like just immerse yourself and you can you can heal that quickly.
Jen (01:00:18.326)
Yeah, I think. Yeah, I think there's two sides to that isn't there. Like I'm the kind of person that if I want to dig into something, if I can extract myself from life and then dig into it, it's going to be better and easier versus having something to do over a long period of time. Whereas other people go, I can't possibly extract myself in out of my life. So a six month program is perfect because you can do it at home. And there's a bit of give and take in terms of when you've got the availability and how you can consume it
So let me know when there's a retreat. I wanted to talk, Philly, before we wrap up about, we talked about it right at the beginning. If somebody, we're gonna drill into moms because moms carry a lot of stuff in their brains. Like that's the first thing we talked about pretty much when we started talking today. How do we ask for help in order to not have to carry everything without then carrying the fact that we've had
had to ask for help to do the thing, to get the
Filipa Bellette (01:01:21.476)
Yeah, that is the very last chapter in my book. It's called Happy Home. Happy Home.
Jen (01:01:24.76)
Cool.
Jen (01:01:28.135)
home. A helpful home would just be nice like I don't care about happy.
Filipa Bellette (01:01:33.798)
Okay. And I had a little smile on my face because I was thinking about the experience this morning as well. And I plan to have a conversation with my husband and my children. So I'm trying to think of something really tangible and helpful around that because it is like it's all part of the reprogramming and the deeper unconscious core beliefs you have about yourself as well is the deep root of that. So if someone struggles to ask for help,
then there's usually something around, there's a belief underneath that. So first of all, and then it's unsafe to ask for help if you think that you're unlovable or you're unworthy or undeserving or maybe even weak and incapable. That was mine. So was like, I've got to do everything and be a control freak because if I ask for help, it's just, everyone's going to finally figure out that I'm like a hopeless case.
Jen (01:02:27.532)
A normal person.
Filipa Bellette (01:02:29.486)
And then we get a lot of clients who are running those rescue or people pleasing patterns where it's just like, like I need to take on everyone's, everyone's issues and I need to do all the things for everyone else because deep down inside, again, it's often hidden, but I'm unlovable. And so therefore I need to like, I need to help other people so I can receive love back from them. So there's usually like, there's always an unconscious layering level underneath that.
that if you're willing to dig into that, can change things quite dramatically and long term. But the other thing too is like just getting really clear on what do you want. So when I thought about my experience this morning, I'm like, I really wanted just like a really chilled morning that I didn't need to do anything for anyone else. And I kind of knew that even before I went to bed last night, I was really excited about it. Now,
In hindsight, I should have had a conversation with Chris. And I also know that he totally would have been on board with that because we're very good at self -awareness and sharing what we need. But sometimes we're not. And then it blows off and it becomes this big drama. And it's like, fire up. So sometimes it's practice as well as just learning. And it's having that being able to sit in this space that if something didn't turn out the way that you wanted and you're feeling resentful or you're feeling burnt out because no one's helping you.
It's like, cool, rather than ruminating on that, try and think back to the last 24 hours or the last week or one, what do you, what would have you really liked? Like how would have you liked that to play out? What do you really want? What do you need help with? What do you want help with? And also often it's not the help that you want. It's, it's what that then opens up for you. So it's space that you can then create for what do you want. And usually it's like, I want me time.
And want to connect like at the deepest level, it's usually I want to connect with myself and I want to feel good and I want to feel calm and relaxed and I want to have some joy and some spark. So there might be some conversations to be had to access that help, but also then, okay, well in my next 24 hours, what can I do even if it's the smallest thing to give myself that thing that I deeply desire? So if it's like joy or spark, it's
Filipa Bellette (01:04:56.358)
could you go for a walk on the beach or go for a swim and maybe you're doing something with your kids, whatever it is, but you can access a state of being if you choose to. It might even be doing the dishes. It's like, how can you make that more sparky? Put on your favourite song and dance to it as you're washing up. It can be really simple things that can make a huge difference. And then asking for help.
Ha ha ha ha!
Jen (01:05:26.85)
Asking for help is such a minefield, isn't it? It's like, and it's, I feel like, and I'm just gonna talk about me. Like I feel like I'm stuck in this loop at the moment.
have two teenagers, they're 14 and 16, they're not babies anymore, and a husband, each, well my husband especially, like, just tell me what to do, I'm like, I'll do it, it's fine, I'm like, I don't wanna fucking tell you what to do, because now I've gotta tell you what to do, and I've gotta think about what I've gotta tell you to do in order to get what I've done, and then I may as well have just done it myself, you just need to mind read, which I know is not an okay request, however, and then two teenagers that I...
I didn't swear at them so I was proud of myself but I did give them a...
I lost my shit a little bit this morning on the way to school because it was like, how can, how do you not, I need you to notice things instead of me doing things. and then one of them came back and said, well, you don't notice the things that we do do. And I was like, fuck, I thought I said, thank you for everything. Cause I love positive reinforcement. And she said, well, I bring the mail in almost every day and you don't say thank you. And I was just like, I guess it's just like, and I think.
It comes back to one teaching our kids to notice things when they're little so that they continue to notice things when they're older. So my sister sent me this beautiful, well, I thought it was beautiful because it was all about teaching your kids how to notice things when they're younger and you grow up in this, they grow up in this household where everyone notices what to do. But how do you just manage your expectation with what you need versus your responsibility to ask for what you need versus
Jen (01:07:12.418)
You can't control what people do anyway. And then you could bring in teenage minds and the fact that the world centers around them anyway. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm asking. But what is your wisdom?
Filipa Bellette (01:07:24.41)
But look, I think the thing that's helped me the most because I still know I think things have changed over time. So when I think about the parent and household responsibilities, Chris does the bedtime thing at night every night, except for Thursday nights because he plays basketball, which is really nice because then I just go and watch a Netflix series or read a book and it's delicious and I have a nice little healthy treat and I cuddle my dog.
Jen (01:07:54.594)
Yeah, that sounds
Filipa Bellette (01:07:54.756)
So, yeah, but that didn't always happen. And I'm kind of going off a tangent. What I did want to say was something that's really helped me is what's within my control, what's outside of my control. And also, is this a me issue or is it a them issue? So I have two little questions that I always or statements that I pop into my mind when I'm feeling triggered or resentful or whatever.
a frustration with others is always a frustration with myself. Okay. And then also the only people that can hurt me are the people I need something
So digging into those two things, a frustration with others is always a frustration with myself. And like I go back to the story that we started off at the start. Yeah, like the frustration was, I should have just said what I wanted. And so then I made it, like there was this drama thing where I was angry at my kids and I was angry at Chris and I'm like, I wasn't angry at them. And I even had a conversation with my youngest as I was taking her to school.
actually just explaining her to her that it's nothing about you, honey. You're wonderful, you're great, you had a meltdown, mommy also had a meltdown and it had nothing to do with you. It had everything to do with me. So kind of like owning that because already like I just felt my system regulating again. It's like, not everyone is out to like annoy me or hurt me.
And then the only people you need, the only people who can hurt you are the people you need something from. And this has been a game changer with parenting and also like marriage as well. So I used to get really triggered or took things personally. If we had a conversation and Chris didn't do the thing that he said he was going to do.
Filipa Bellette (01:09:45.702)
Now also understanding his neurology. So he has ADHD. So he's, he's just like the way his brain is wide is forgetful. Not that we use that as an excuse, but understanding the way that he is made up is helpful for me to not take things personally. But also there was a thing around that that I needed them to, to help me, to respect me so that I could feel good about myself because I wasn't giving it to myself.
So was less about needing them to help me and to take the load off me. And it was more around when you do those things, I can feel like I am loved and I'm a good human being. When I started giving that to myself, the angst around needing them to help me was like way less. So one of my expectations lessened. Our house is a pigsty. Most of the week until Monday night, the kids clean up their stuff and Chris, because we have
now a cleaner that I also recently hired, which has made a huge difference to come and clean. Because my messy house, I used to validate or use that as external validation that I was a crap mom, I was a crap housewife, no one helps me, everyone are pigs. Whereas now I'm just like, you know what, we live in a house and the kids have craft everywhere and Chris has his clothes and his guitar and that's okay. It doesn't make me a bad human being. Actually, it makes me
free human being.
Jen (01:11:12.95)
I'm a very human being. It's funny, there were so many thoughts going through my head when you were saying all that. It's like, well, one, have to, if I then, I was trying to ask myself if I am needing them to help me for similar reasons. And then I was like, well, if I accept whether I am or I am not, I then accept that they're not giving me the help, therefore doesn't actually solve my problem anyway, but it might solve my reaction to the problem. It's interesting.
Filipa Bellette (01:11:41.508)
Yes.
Jen (01:11:44.268)
And I think also because my kids are getting older, I'm like, this is what it, you need to take some responsibility. And I don't know if I'm going to dig into it. I'm going to sit with it a little bit later on and just kind of go deeper into maybe what is that? Is it a validation thing? it a, I think for me, I'm carrying a lot of, just fucking feel like I'm doing all the things all the time and running everybody's organizational skills. Yeah. Or do I get to ask for help?
Filipa Bellette (01:12:04.474)
Yeah.
Jen (01:12:13.986)
because I just need help. And then what if they don't give it to me?
Filipa Bellette (01:12:19.342)
And only you can answer that. And I love that you brought that up and you're thinking about that because then you're creating a game. Like you're creating a game plan. What does it look like to live in a household with other people? These are the rules of the game. If I'm going to win this game, then you're bringing in the family on board as well. So they're like, okay. And then it might be some negotiation too. like, you know what, mom? Actually, I don't want to do that, but I could do this. And you'll be like, okay, I'm happy with that.
Jen (01:12:42.477)
You know what
Yeah, or there could be just this experiment where I just don't fucking do anything for anyone else apart from myself for a week. That could be fun. I didn't, you didn't make me dinner. No, no, I was just making my, no, you didn't put my dish in the, no, I didn't put your dish, no, didn't, I knew sure. didn't, that could be such a cool
Filipa Bellette (01:12:50.21)
You could, you could do that.
Filipa Bellette (01:13:00.314)
Yeah, sorry.
Jen (01:13:02.882)
but also a bit passive aggressive.
Filipa Bellette (01:13:04.806)
I just want to share one really quick thing as well. Like one thing that was really important. So when Chris and I was actually starting to map out like a relationship game, it's like we want to win the game of a happy marriage and like when it be open and all that sort of stuff. One of my rules and he created rules as well that I agreed to was that on Thursday nights I have a long like it's kind of like my coaching practitioner clinic hour nights and I have a clinic away from home.
Jen (01:13:15.714)
Hmm.
Filipa Bellette (01:13:32.272)
So I come back at eight o 'clock and I was coming back to just a messy house. The kids weren't even fed. And like that was not on. And I was being really passive aggressive about it. And then when we started creating these rules and agreements, I'm like, that is something that's really important. Cause I don't want to come home after serving our beautiful clients, putting out my energy and then doing all the things at home too. Like that is one, if you could do one night a week where you do dinner.
and get the kids ready for bed and shower and you know he does that anyway and like cook or buy takeaway I don't care what they eat then that's great now probably for three weeks he kept forgetting but then we had there was a consequence the consequence was purely like I could be a flippin angry wife and you know and I'm like and I'd like give him like the angry face and I'd say some mean things and he agreed that that would be the consequence and he doesn't like me to
Jen (01:14:09.826)
Just need them. Yep.
Filipa Bellette (01:14:30.296)
an angry wife. So after the fourth week, he has been doing it pretty consistently, I don't know, for the last year or two.
Jen (01:14:40.376)
So cool. I love it. I love it. I love this conversation. I feel like we could go for a really long time. If people want to find you, Philly, where do they go?
Filipa Bellette (01:14:49.911)
Easiest place would be our website. So www .chrisandphillywithanf .fm and we have our book, we've got a link to our podcast program. We've also got lots of free resources as well. A lot of people love our scorecard, so Ending Body Burnout Assessment, where you can rate your level of burnout as well as the three root cause contributors.
Jen (01:15:13.92)
Amazing. And I've got one very last question for you. If when you look back on your life's work, you've left a legacy, what would that be?
Filipa Bellette (01:15:25.402)
whole healthcare system has changed.
Jen (01:15:27.911)
my gosh, you've just opened a can of, I'm like, okay, cool. What are we doing? We need a follow up podcast. Do want to share any more about that before we wrap
Filipa Bellette (01:15:36.344)
Look, at the very least, starts it in my vision, it starts with natural therapies, because I feel like still in natural therapies, there's still a lot of band -aid well -intentioned, lovely processes, like protocols, but it's causing a lot of frustration in people because they spend a lot of money on supplements on tests on like, you know, invested time in like restricted protocols.
they're still not better. Well, they felt good while they were doing the things, but then their patterns and their programming still shows up. So at the very least before I die. And I mean, we haven't publicly said this much. I have mentioned it a couple of times, but I have this vision of a functional medicine academy in Australia that is like deep root cause medicine.
Jen (01:16:24.356)
Amazing. Well, I'm gonna be watching this space to see all of that kind of play out and all your wonderful work. But thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate you taking time out of your life and kids and all the rest of it. And you could have quite easily gone back to bed after not having a sleep in. So thank you for choosing to spend this time with me instead of going to bed. I needed to sleep in today. I'm going back to bed. See you later.
Filipa Bellette (01:16:45.946)
Nice.
Jen (01:16:46.744)
But I absolutely love your work and I love that we've, you know, connected in lots of different places over the years and we continue to do so quite a lot at the moment. So it's nice. Thank you. No worries.
Filipa Bellette (01:16:54.352)
Yeah, awesome. Thank you so much. This has been probably one of my favorite conversations. So thank you.
Jen (01:16:59.904)
Awesome, I'll own that. Alright sweet, have a beautiful rest of your day, take care, bye.
Filipa Bellette (01:17:05.808)
Thank you.
